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...... Okay.. I'm not going lie... I'm very depressed... because... Me and my mom had talk and...
I'm going book appointment to ask my doctor, to remove my large colon and rectum and closes off the anus.... My health isn't improving and to be honest... I try to avoid this... You saw many times, I change my mind how many times.
Because I hoped and pray that I... will be in remission without any heavy medication or operation... But I guess, it didn't work out... I lost the war... I been fighting this for 18 years... and I'm tired of it. The same tune over and over. I can't deal with shit anymore.
To point that... *Look down in shame* I want to jump out of window... But lucky I told my mom about it so she going do something, to stop my suffering. She found a few doctors we going talk to... She understand that I'm so depressed because... Everything is shit now! My dad has Cancer, my grandma is in hospital and I still losing blood! That for things need to change and I needs some happiness.
So I did some thinking and made list of questions I'm going ask the doctors.
Also.... I did make goal for myself... and start or trying myself to think positive.
After this operation is done, I recovered and work for the money I need... I will go to Disney Land.
I always wanted to go but I couldn't.. Because of my health and had not enough money.
But now nothing going stop me anymore, since I'm not going have gut anymore so ya... I'm going work to go to Disney Land.
My mom and dad say, it's now to point I need to get my life back.
Sorry to make this a very, very depressing journal... it's just I need to get this off my chest.